Nervous Nelly.

I wanted to record this for the sake of remembering it next year.  I’ve been having a lot of trouble riding to work and back — I’ve had to stop inside of Starbucks, other places, to rest for a bit, and have considered hailing taxis or going on buses.  I’m much more anxious when it comes to going to places (even Pokiology, which is relatively close to where I live).

I’ve taken 1/2 prop and 1/2 clon to help get to work in the morning.  In the evening, I sort of just hope for the best.  This is pretty silly because it came on so suddenly and I’m not 100% sure when it started or when it’ll stop.

I think it may have started on a day where it was extremely cold (-10?) and I was riding down Halstead.  I felt like I was going to pass out but I had no familiar buildings that were open around me.  I had to scuttle to Target which was easier said than done since I felt like I was going to throw up the entire time, and wait there for a while until I felt better.

Once I’m at work, I feel better and nothing is wrong.  Once I get to my destination, I think I’m fine.  It’s getting there that’s the problem.

I think this might be for: extreme cold, rain.  Those are the two main ones that triggered me.

We’ll see.  I don’t like this much so I’m hoping it goes away quickly and goes back to just being a boring commute.



Accepted a job at a data shop.  I’ll be starting on the 8th of August, but, until then, I’ll just kind of be worried and be learning R.

I’m nervous that I won’t be good, that I won’t learn fast enough, and that I’ll get fired pretty quickly (impostor syndrome type things).  But we will see.

Still fairly anxious.  I’ll see how that is in the coming weeks when I don’t have joblessness to worry me.  There’s still this impostor stuff but, I dunno.  We’ll see.  I’ve got to see, once I get settled, how anxious I am.  It might be worth going back on an SSRI.  Maybe.

Still Jobbin’, Propanolol.

Having to look for a job is full-time stress.  I’ve been fairly stressed out for the last four-or-five weeks, and it’s been basically non-stop.  Clonaz has worked pretty well.  Today, I tried Propanolol [5mg equiv] to see if I would react well.  I did feel sleepy for the first part of it, but it could be coincidence.  The reason being is that I have the Uptake interview tomorrow, which I’ll probably (in the future) know doesn’t go well, but it’s my main trial to see if Propanolol works for me.  I’ll be taking probably a quarter of a pill of Clonaz and 5mg of Propanolol and see how I do in the interviews.  I was given 10mg, the smallest dose, but that scares me a little bit.  Either way, we’ll see how I do.  Usually once I get talking I’m okay.

Will update tomorrow afternoon.

Back Painsz.

Today I’ll be doing a few fun things.  I’ll be going to Shake, Rattle, and Read — there are free books there, but I want to go for the bikeride.  It’s a good 20 minutes away but we’ll see how it goes.

I have a coffee sitdown with the Data Science lead for Civis on Thursday.  I hope it goes well — if not, oh well!  I’ll also be sitting down and applying more today.  I’m going to make a paper schedule for myself to do X things.  This unemployment has shown me that I don’t get a lot done if I just sit around and be depressed and lonely; I gott’a force myself to get out, and that forces myself to be social as well.

The SSRI symptoms seem to have gone away as of a few days ago — probably Sunday, or Saturday, I’d say.  The only lingering thing I have is mild dizziness if I stay up too late.  All in all, this was an extremely productive unemployment time if only because of this medication change.

It’s strange how such a small, small pill can change your life so much.

As is usual with my life, the second something goes away something else comes and takes its place.  This one doesn’t seem as major but I’ll track it neverthless.

Since last night, possibly after increased tension in my back from sitting dumb, I felt soreness in my left shoulder blade.  It does not hurt to move my arms up or down, or back or forwards, but it does hurt to reach my left arm to the right, or my left arm back, without the other arm.  It was extremely difficult getting into a sleeping position — on my side — which didn’t hurt.  Fairly annoying, but not the end of the world.

I took a bath, popped a few ibuprofens, we’ll see how this is.  I will give this two weeks before I see a doctor; it could be nothing, but because I also had mild nerve damage I was also concerned about a potential tumor in the upper lung, which has similar symptoms.  Since such tumors are usually malignant, I’d want to be absolutely sure that no funny business is going on.  I’m fairly sure it’s just my terrible, terrible posture, though.


SSRI Scale for Today.

Took 1/4th of a benzo.  I have noticed that being at home, or being up later, will cause me to be slightly dizzier.  I’m not sure what this is, but it’s not that bad.


Dizziness: 2

Depersonalization: 1

Ability to Focus: 7

Fever-like: 1

Tiredness: 3


SSRI Scale for Today.

I slept for a long time today, but I don’t know.  I felt a lot better today than yesterday.  The anxiety was pretty quelled — but I did take a benzo.  So, we’ll see about tomorrow.  Maybe I’m over the hill?


Dizziness: 4

Depersonalization: 2

Ability to Focus: 6

Fever-like: 3

Tiredness: 4

SSRI Withdrawal.

Cubital is pretty much gone.  Great.  Awesome.  In my continuing adventures of literally one thing after another [except, I caused this one –] I’m working through SSRI Withdrawal from Zoloft.  I’ve tried this a few times before but was sick for around a month, which didn’t work out so well when I was going off to grad school or whatever, but now that I’m not-yet-employed I figured it’d be a good time to star this.

I think I wrote about this before, noting that I’d started weening myself off around Sunday.  That means it’s been around four and a half days.  Doesn’t seem long, but it feels long.

Here’s the gist.  I was on 50mg of Zoloft, but I cut it to 25mg a while ago because I wanted to ween myself off of it.  I’m taking it for anxiety, but I don’t feel it’s doing all that much — or, at elast, I’ll not know if it’s not doing that much unless I stop it and try.  After the 25mg, I cut the 25mg pills in half for around six months; that’s 12.5mg.  I honestly thought this was the smallest amount I coult take (I was shown there’s a “liquid form” of it that goes all the way down to 1mg) so I started taking it every other day.  Then every three days.  Last weekend, I decided to stop it completely since I didn’t feel so bad with the every three days.

Here’s the symptoms.  Pretty strong dizziness; nothing I can’t handle, but I felt a little awkward riding my bike around.  I felt like I had to concentrate a lot.  I had numb lips for a bit, but that went away.  I feel like my anxiety is fairly strong, but I think it might be a reaction to the dizziness.  There’s a feeling of being out of my body [depersonalization] sometimes.  Other than that, think: mild flu symptoms.  Actually, it feels a lot like the flu except you don’t actually have a fever or much else you can do.

This is all fairly manageable for me.  I thought I’d be useless at working, but the feeling of wanting to get away from the dizzy feeling actually made me concentrate a bunch more on my work, making me fairly productive.  Relatively productive.  Somewhat productive.  But the worst part is that there is no telling how long this kind of thing will last.  Before, I came off of 50mg and it took a month before I gave up and went back on it.  It seems much more mild now, so I imagine around (like all of my other things) three weeks to a month.  That’s a lot of time, but it seems that this kind of things often gets worse, then gets better in the same amount of time.  At least, that’s what some reddit accounts have noted.

For scaling and personal reference (and for the reasons of seeing if things are better or worse), I’m going to score a few things here out of 10.  Here, 10 is relative to the worst I felt, not how bad it is in the grand scheme of things or something.

Dizziness: 8

Depersonalization: 7

Ability to Focus: 3

Fever-like: 4

Tiredness: 8


Cubital Tunnel Syndrome.  For the most part, this is gone.  It only appears slightly if doing the glided exercises, or after a night of having my arm bent.  I ought to stop doing that for regular health reasons.

But, my body has excellent timing.  Beginning Sunday, right after the CTS subsided, I began having dizziness, numb lips at times, feelings of disorientatioin, feeling of having a fever — coincidentally, the withdrawal symptoms of Zoloft, coincidentally as I’m weening myself off of Zoloft.  So, I’m going to call this Zoloft Withdrawal.  I sort of brought this one on myself, but it’ll be worth it to be off of Zoloft for me.  It will make job hunting a bit annoying, but this is a pretty decent time for me to do this.  I was on 12.5mg every other day for a few months, weening down from other doses, and this is as small as I could consistently get the pills; I decided to stop after I missed my dose for two days and realized that this would be a good time to get off of them.  They don’t do much for my depression.

Ordinarily, Zoloft Withdrawal takes around “a few weeks” to subside, and given the 2-week periods that my other sicknesses took, I’m going to give this one around two weeks as well.  Fairly annoying, but I can’t do much about it.  I don’t currently have the “brain zaps” (the most annoying part, when I did this a few years ago and couldn’t handle it) which is nice, but we’ll see what comes up.


Cubital Tunnel Syndrome.  I think this is getting better.  I still feel it, but it no longer bothers me like it used to.  It felt great after riding my bike all over the place yesterday.  Maybe that’s something I ought to be doing more.  I still feel it if I do the gliding exercises, but I rarely feel it otherwise.  More of a bother than anything now.  Awesome.  Let’s see if this continues.  The timeline for seeing a doctor was to wait 3 full weeks, so I’ve got a week and a half left.